Travel Jokes Humor and Satire
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  • 2009
    • May
      • Promises Promises
        05/13/09
        Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.

        Panicked he s

      • Wake Up Call
        05/13/09
        One night at an economy motel, a guest ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he woke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

        "Good morning," a young man said. "This is your wake-up call."

        Annoyed, he let the motel worker have it. "Yo

      • Delicacy
        05/13/09
        An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just s

  • 2008
    • May
      • Please Advise
        05/24/08
        This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise tha

      • Getting Some Privacy
        05/12/08
        Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

        Now, when they set up camp, th

    • April
      • Signs You Made A Bad Choice For A Motel
        04/26/08
        1. The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Nixon has resigned.

        2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.

        3. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow.

        4. The pictures are not placed for de

      • Can't Get Out Of Her Room
        04/05/08
        An airline captain was breaking in a new, blonde flight attendant. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

        The next morning as the pilot

    • March
      • You Know You Are In The Desert When
        03/21/08
        1. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

        2. You can make instant sun tea.

        3. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

        4. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

        5. You discover that in August, it takes only 2 finge

      • Clocks and Watches
        03/14/08
        This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

        She goes in and hands the man her clock.

        The man sa

      • Oconomowoc
        03/06/08
        Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

        As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Befor

      • Young Driver
        03/03/08
        The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home.

        That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disc

    • February
      • What Have I Done Now?
        02/28/08
        One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing

      • Quick Airline Jokes #2
        02/22/08
        Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

        "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth a

      • Quick Airline Jokes #1
        02/21/08
        It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northeast.
        "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
        "What are my choices?" he asked.
        "Yes or no," she replied.

        On a Continental Flight with a

      • Put Your Tray Up
        02/19/08
        The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

        He came swishing down the aisle and said to the women seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane sh

      • Rules For Flying Your Own Plane #2
        02/17/08
        1. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

        2. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of

      • Rules For Flying Your Own Plane #1
        02/17/08
        1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

        2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

        3. Flying isn't dangero

      • You Need A New Car When
        02/14/08
        You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

        You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

        You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

        The Blue Book lists your car under

      • Guidelines for American Tourists Travelling to France
        02/12/08
        The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites t

      • Bad Picture
        02/08/08
        When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

        He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long,

    • January
      • Make Driving Fun
        01/29/08
        Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look.

        Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

        Stop at the green lights.

        Go at red ones.

        Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger

      • Seating Problem
        01/27/08
        A middle-aged, visibly well-off white lady found herself sitting next to a well dressed black gentleman.

        She called the cabin attendant over to complain about her seating.

        'What seems to be the problem, Madam?' asked the attendant.

        'Can't you se

      • Old Lady
        01/18/08
        An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

        A gentleman approached her and said,

        "Pardon me, madam.

        I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in

      • Good Excuse
        01/13/08
        A Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 60 mph in a 35 mph zone.

        "I was only going 35!" the driver protested.

        "Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

        "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

      • Monkey Do
        01/03/08
        A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

        The monkey

  • 2007
    • December
      • No-Frills
        12/23/07
        You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

        1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

        2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

        3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

        4. If you kiss the wing

      • Ten Things You Don't Want to Overhear
        12/18/07
        1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

        2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight a

    • November
      • Announcements
        11/29/07
        Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining..

        Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways o

      • Why Americans Should not Be Allowed To Travel
        11/16/07
        The following are actual stories provided by travel agents

        * I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

        * A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, &q

      • Gripe Sheet
        11/03/07
        After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet that conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in wri

    • October
      • Airline Fees
        10/25/07
        Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

        Passenger: Sure.

        Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

        Passenger: What for?

        Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

        Passenger: But I already knew where

    • September
      • Mayan Temple
        09/09/07
        A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still findin

      • Driving Preferences By Area
        09/02/07
        One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

        One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

        One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

        One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap:

    • August
      • Honk If You Love Jesus
        08/23/07
        The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my

      • What Not To Say When Stopped By The Police
        08/16/07
        I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

        Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

        Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

        I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police off

      • How Are You Feeling
        08/08/07
        Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

        "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm f

      • Basic Driving Rules In the United States
        08/02/07
        If you are visiting the United States or are just new to driving, you need to know the following driving rules.

        A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squ

    • July
      • Women drivers are a hazard to traffic.
        07/26/07
        Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

        I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my

      • No Power
        07/19/07
        Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft motorboat to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggi

      • Travel One Liners.
        07/13/07
        "One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down."

        I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

        You know it's a no frills airline when the Captain asks all the

      • Drunk Driver?
        07/07/07
        A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.

        A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps

      • Railroad Comfort.
        07/02/07
        This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding service:

        Gentlemen:
        I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-m

    • June
      • Shotgun Wedding?
        06/27/07
        As an inspector for Canada Customs, it was his duty to ask visitors whether they were bringing any firearms into the country.

        One day an American car came through the line, and its driver reported that the occupants were on their way to Sault Ste. Marie, Ont., for a wedding.

        Af

      • No Visa.
        06/21/07
        An important corporate client of the travel agency recently traveled to France. As a Canadian citizen he had at that time needed a visa for entry, which we had obtained for him. Shortly after his return, his new secretary — on her first day on the job called to say it was imperative for her boss to

      • Hotel Travel Definitions.
        06/15/07
        ............ TERM ................................. TRANSLATION

        Old world charm ................................. No bath
        Tropical ............................................. Rainy
        Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town
        Options galore ....

      • Cruise Prayer.
        06/10/07
        Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble, obedient cruising servants, who are doomed to cruise this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, eating ourselves silly and walking around muggy Caribbean islands in drip-dry underwear.
        We beseech You, our Lord, to give us n

      • Mechanic And The Heart Surgeon.
        06/04/07
        A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a large SUV when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Lincoln when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey doc, can I ask you a questio

    • May
      • Mean Bikers.
        05/29/07
        Three mean nasty bikers pull into a roadside cafe where there's no one there except a single male customer and a waitress. They decide to have some fun with the customer, so they put on their most trucculent sneers and walk up to his table.

        The first one dips his finger into the man&

      • Time Is Up.
        05/27/07
        An elderly couple were flying to Las Vegas to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife noticed that her husband was crying and asked why are you crying dear?

        The husband asked, "Do you remember the night we were kissing on your parents' front porch?".

        &

      • One Wish.
        05/25/07
        There was an RVer named Art from Portland, Ore., who stumbled upon a Genie in a bottle who granted him one wish. Art said, "I want to explore the big island of Hawaii in my motorhome, but I can't afford to send it there by ship. So my wish is that you to build a road from the coast of Oreg

      • Speed Trap.
        05/22/07
        A police officer in Texas, had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding cars and RVs. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, and the officer soon learned why: A 10-year old boy was standing up the road a quarter mile with a large hand-painted sign that read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD.&

      • Stupid Tourist Questions.
        05/19/07
        Actual questions asked by park visitors.

        At Grand Canyon National Park:
        "Was this man-made?"
        "Is there an elevator to the bottom?"
        "Do you light it up at night?"
        "Is the mule train air-conditioned?"
        "Where are the faces

      • Muddy Hole
        05/16/07
        A man driving a motorhome got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for only $25. After the motorhome was back on dry ground the man said to the farmer, "At those prices, I

      • Relatives.
        05/12/07
        A newly retired couple from Madison, Wisconsin, Betty and Ed Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Redding, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on

      • Mr. Maxwell.
        05/08/07
        Few people know that the late Mr. Maxwell, founder of Maxwell House Coffee, was a veteran skydiver and RVer.

        Near his hometown, it was common to find Mr. Maxwell at the airport in his Avion Fifth Wheel, relaxing and visiting with his many friends as he waited for his next jump.

      • Airline Announcements
        05/02/07
        1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

        2. " Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in

    • April
      • Foul Mouthed Parrot
        04/30/07
        Dave, an RVer from Chicago, travels in his motorhome with a talkative but foul-mouthed parrot. One day in a campground near Phoenix, Ariz., the bird's swearing got to be too much. So grabbed it by the throat and yelled "Stop it!" But only minutes later, the bird was swearing again.
      • Alligator
        04/26/07
        A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

        "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

        Featured by Res

      • American In Paris.
        04/24/07
        The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France,
        and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the
        array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him.

        "Do you have something in mind?" she asked.

        "

      • Elderly RVers.
        04/19/07
        A couple of elderly RVers who'd recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary were sitting on the sofa in their Airstream motorhome, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her.

        "Dear," she c

      • Does Your Dog Bite?
        04/15/07
        A dog was resting in a campground and an RVer was reading nearby on a lawn chair.

        "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a recently arrived camper asked. The RVer looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

        Yet when the camper approached the animal,

      • Make A Wish.
        04/14/07
        A RVing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

        Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North

      • Blarney Stone.
        04/11/07
        A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible, it’s too hot, it’s too cold and the accommodations are awful.

        The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney St

      • Microsoft vs GM
        04/07/07
        At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
        In response to Bill&#

      • Bees.
        04/05/07
        There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spi

      • Riding The Rails.
        04/03/07
        Complaint letter from train passenger.

        Gentlemen:
        I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system i

    • March
      • No Speed
        03/31/07
        A woman, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of try

      • Buttons
        03/30/07
        On a flight to Los Angeles, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.&qu

      • Blind Pilots
        03/29/07
        One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
        Both appear to be b

      • Wife Fell Out
        03/27/07
        On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

        Featured by Resources For Attorneys, a legal resources and li

      • Road Work
        03/24/07
        A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b

      • Stop Sign
        03/23/07
        A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

        What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopp

      • Truck Drivers
        03/22/07
        In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

        As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

        They angrily look one at the other.

        Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

        The other one pol

      • Dead Rabbit
        03/21/07
        A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road

      • Deaf Lady
        03/19/07
        One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing

      • Wrong email.
        03/18/07
        A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and

      • Train Stop.
        03/17/07
        A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

        "This train doesn't stop at Victoria, it's the express."

        "You are joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria!"

        "Sorry sir. This train will not s

      • Big in Texas
        03/16/07
        A Texan lands in Sydney for the Olympics, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

        They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is fu

      • Natalie
        03/14/07
        The Madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were dishevelled and he looked needy.

        "Can I help you?" the madam asked

        "I want Natalie," said the old man.

        "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perh

      • Sunbathing
        03/12/07
        Sharon, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

        She'

      • Stupid Questions.
        03/10/07
        Cruise ship stories.

        1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

        2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed a

      • Religious Passenger
        03/09/07
        A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."

        The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister. &qu

      • Phenomenal Memory
        03/08/07
        An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

        "Oh that's 'Big

      • Columbus
        03/06/07
        We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Is

      • Expensive Hotel
        03/05/07
        A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York to. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road

      • Snob Tourist
        03/04/07
        A snobbish tourist was visiting a small Australian village when he noticed a local man wearing a highly ornate necklace that featured 10 alligator teeth. He approached the man and in a condescending manner said, "Goodness, what a fancy necklace! I guess you people must value alligator teeth the

      • Nothing to worry about
        03/03/07
        While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Tanner looked out the window. 'Good lord!' he screamed, 'one of the engines just blew up!'

        Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet a

      • Seeing Eye Dog
        03/02/07
        After a 45-minute delay our flight took off, however, unexpectedly, it stopped in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

        Everybody got off the plane except one gent

      • Slow Train
        03/01/07
        A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.Finally it creaks to a halt.

        A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

        "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

        Ten minutes later, the train re

    • February
      • Cup Of Coffee
        02/27/07
        On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passeng

      • Two Tourists
        02/26/07
        Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order,

      • Too Much Information
        02/23/07
        A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?" To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forwar

      • Hard Landing
        02/22/07
        Overheard on an United Airlines flight into Chicago, Illinois, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:

        During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight the wind.

        After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to C

      • Demanding Customer
        02/21/07
        An award should go to the Airline gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

        A crowded airline flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Sudd

      • Traffic Signs
        02/20/07
        A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

        Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

        Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

        Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of t

      • Excuse
        02/18/07
        A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles a

      • Bad Barber
        02/17/07
        A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

        It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

        So, how are you getting there?"

      • Bad Accident
        02/16/07
        Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too,"

      • Hitch Hiking
        02/15/07
        Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.

        For gods sake! he screamed, Someone could have attacked you and raped you!

        I wasn't ever in no danger at all, she said, tryi

      • World's Smartest Man
        02/14/07
        One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dahlia Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill

      • Popularity
        02/13/07
        Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. Af

      • Lifeboat
        02/12/07
        After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when
        they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

        'I'll

      • Bumpy Landing
        02/11/07
        An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline.' He said that in ligh

      • Multilingual
        02/10/07
        A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

        The two Americans just stare at him.

        "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

        The two conti

      • New Driver
        02/09/07
        Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

        "I'll bet you

      • Engine Noise.
        02/08/07
        Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: "What was the problem?"

        "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,

      • Blind Horse
        02/07/07
        An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

        He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

        Then the farmer hollered, "Pull

      • Popular Driving Habits.
        02/06/07
        Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway with either indicator flashing, but going nowhere.

        Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway even when the road is almost entirely empty.

        Picking your nose and believing that no-one can see you.

        Not realis

      • Preoccupied Driver
        02/05/07
        A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

        The monkey

      • Murphy's Air Travel Laws
        02/04/07
        1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

        2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

        3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
      • Half Fare.
        02/03/07
        One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjo

      • Where We Are.
        02/02/07
        An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

        "How can you tell?" asked the Americ

      • Luggage Destinations
        02/01/07
        A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent: "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."

        "I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that,"

    • January
      • Long Cruise
        01/31/07
        Bob Smith had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

        He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner

      • Time
        01/30/07
        A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging

      • Pass me another blanket.
        01/29/07
        A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

        In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'

      • Boiling Pot
        01/28/07
        Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, &q

      • Airline Food Service
        01/27/07
        Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

        Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way,as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

        Tower: "Continental 635, cle

      • Meteor Crater
        01/26/07
        As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

        "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It

      • Mohel
        01/25/07
        This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little teavel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock.

        The man says, "M

      • Crossing the border.
        01/24/07
        While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

        "Sand," said the cyclist.

        "Get them off - we'll take a look,&quo

      • Cancelled Flight.
        01/23/07
        For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

        An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point

      • Scare
        01/22/07
        A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
        comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead

      • Heavy Luggage
        01/21/07
        A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.

        "No more," the man said. "Next tim

      • Good Excuse.
        01/20/07
        A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles a

      • Clear Sky
        01/19/07
        Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

        Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you dedu

      • Show him your cross.
        01/18/07
        Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

        "Quick, quick

      • It's Elvis!
        01/17/07
        Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
        long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for

      • Blarney Stone
        01/16/07
        A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

        The group arrived at the site of the famous Bla

      • Tiny Bells.
        01/16/07
        If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:

        In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.

        The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful be

      • Noise Abatement.
        01/15/07
        Radar controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

        Pilot: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can
        we make up here?"

        Radar controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it
        hits a 747?&

      • Magician And His Parrot
        01/15/07
        A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

        There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows
        each week and began to understand how th

      • Free Riders.
        01/14/07
        Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

        "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "W

      • Train Wake Up.
        01/14/07
        One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:

        "Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that y

      • Taxi Driver
        01/13/07
        An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

        "Mu

      • Hard Of Hearing.
        01/13/07
        An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

        The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

        The old man yell

      • Train Engine Failure.
        01/13/07
        A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

        Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
      • Corporal Punishment.
        01/13/07
        Jonas is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

        Jonas is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corpo

      • Cross Country Bus Trip.
        01/13/07
        On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Jones became extremely queasy due to motion sickness. She make her way to the restroom,only to find it locked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to fight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right and threw up on the lap of

      • Is Your Wife For Sale?
        01/13/07
        As US tourists in Lebanon, a man and his wife were sitting outside
        a souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

        After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

        "America," the h

      • Pilot To Tower
        01/13/07
        Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .
        600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . .
        please instruct!

        Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .
        repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

        Featured

      • What To Do With Hotel Soap.
        01/13/07
        Hotel correspondence.

        Dear Maid,
        Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They