This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got an e:mail from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...... please advise".

So the old man e:mailed back:...
...Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Submitted by:
George Snedrow
Looking for someone? Check out Free Reverse Directories.

Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble, obedient cruising servants, who are doomed to cruise this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, eating ourselves silly and walking around muggy Caribbean islands in drip-dry underwear.
We beseech You, our Lord, to give us non-stop flights, to see that our planes are not hijacked, our luggage is not lost, our overweight baggage goes unnoticed, and that there is no hurricane anywhere on the planet during our chosen cruise week.

Protect us from zealous Immigrations Officers who swear our "certified copies of our birth certificates" are forged; from suspicious Customs Inspectors who insist on seeing the $1,000 worth of T-shirts we bought in Nassau; from unscrupulous over-charging Jamaican taxi cab drivers, from avaricious porters who would search our bags and discard all the beer and soda therein, and from Guest Relations Clerks whose knowledge of the English language stops at "This ship is full. Don't even THINK of asking for an upgrade."

Give us this day Divine guidance in the selection of our cruise ships, that we may find two level showrooms, wide promenade decks, alternative dining options, a pizzeria, bartenders who know how to mix Margueritas, our staterooms made up with the twin beds converted to a king, a cabin steward who understands what lots of ice means, and that we actually paid less than the folks in the cabin next door.

We pray that our waiter and busboy speak our language, our iced tea glasses are kept filled at all times, and that there are no emergency shore-to-ship phone calls from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our cruise or wash dishes in the galley to pay the balance on our shipboard account.

Lead us, Dear Lord, to 2-for-1 specials on deluxe cruise ships where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, the wine, soda pop and port charges, taxes and government fees all included in the price, and that Richard Simmons was on LAST week's cruise.

Give us the wisdom to tip correctly and forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance or overtipping out of fear. Make the bartenders put a full shot of rum in our Miami Vice and learn to love us for who we are and not for what we can contribute to their families back in Turkey.

Grant us the strength to attend the daily aerobics classes on deck, to work out frequently in the health spa, to use the stairs at all times, and to order only one or two main courses at dinner.

Permit us to book beauty appointments, massage sessions, thassalotherapy treatments, and to browse through the onboard shops and boutiques without sending our VISA cards into convulsions.

Allow us the will to attend all shore talks and the stamina to sit through another debarkation talk. Give us the strength to keep us from heckling the comedians and from making fun of the Cruise Director and the karaoke performers.

Help us become educated and wise cruisers, visiting the museums, the cathedrals, the forts, the palaces, the castles and the rain forests listed in the shore excursion booklets. If perchance we skip an historic monument to take a nap on a beautiful sandy beach, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.

Amen

Featured by Resources For Attorneys, a legal resources and lifestyle information portal.

For more types of jokes, visit our jokes index.

For information about travel destinations within the United States see Travel America and for information about travel destinations worldwide see Travel Destinations.

Cruise ship stories.

1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"

4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."

6. Someone -- always a man -- always asks, "Does the ship run on generators?" The Cruise Director usually tells them, "No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland."

7. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
Featured by Resources For Attorneys, a Law and Better Living directory.

For more types of jokes, visit our joke directory.

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.

Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
Featured by Resources For Attorneys, a Law and Better Living directory.

For more types of jokes, visit our Humor directory.

After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when
they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie.

'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.

'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He dsappeared too.

The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish my friends were here with me.'

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
Featured by Resources For Attorneys, a Legal Resources and Lifestyle directory for attorneys, lawyers and the general internet public.

For more types of jokes, visit our Joke Index