Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at red ones.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Wear a Chicken suit.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

A middle-aged, visibly well-off white lady found herself sitting next to a well dressed black gentleman.

She called the cabin attendant over to complain about her seating.

'What seems to be the problem, Madam?' asked the attendant.

'Can't you see?' she loudly snapped, 'You've sat me next to a black man. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting man. Find me another seat!'

'Please try to be calm, Mam,' the stewardess replied. 'I believe the economy section is completely full today, but I'll go and check to see if we have any upgraded seats available in club or first class.'

The woman cocked a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (as well as many of the other nearby passengers). Minutes later the stewardess returned.

'Mam, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.' Before the lady had a chance to answer, the stewardess continued: 'Please realize, it is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade. I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the extreme circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that one of our passengers should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person.'

The lady, cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

With that, the stewardess turned to the black man and said: 'So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your first-class seat ready for you...'.

Submitted by:
Stuart Hill
Politics - Political Jokes Humor and Satire

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Submitted by:
George Snedrow
Looking for someone? Check out Free Reverse Directories.

A Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 60 mph in a 35 mph zone.

"I was only going 35!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

Submitted by:
Dale Lenter
California Wineries Wines And Wine Tasting

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes!" the monkey motioned.

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes." the monkey confirmed.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Submitted by:
Josh Truegood
International Issues from Knowledge Is Power

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

11. No movie. Don't need one.

12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Submitted by:
Barry Arcant
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