On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami."

After a short pause and several clicks . . . "Geez. What a ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and some sex, right about now."

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
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A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?" To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."

The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."

And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"

The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"

To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
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Overheard on an United Airlines flight into Chicago, Illinois, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:

During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight the wind.

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate.

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
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An award should go to the Airline gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded airline flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the assengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate Who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
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A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Posted for your enjoyment by David G. Hallstrom, Sr.
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