As an inspector for Canada Customs, it was his duty to ask visitors whether they were bringing any firearms into the country.

One day an American car came through the line, and its driver reported that the occupants were on their way to Sault Ste. Marie, Ont., for a wedding.

After the usual questions about length of stay and so forth, the inspector asked if there were any guns in the car. "No, no," said the driver, "it isn't that kind of wedding."

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An important corporate client of the travel agency recently traveled to France. As a Canadian citizen he had at that time needed a visa for entry, which we had obtained for him. Shortly after his return, his new secretary — on her first day on the job called to say it was imperative for her boss to fly back to Paris as soon as possible. Our agent began to book the reservations. Eventually the agent asked, "Does he have a visa?" A long pause followed before she replied, "No, but he's got a MasterCard."

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............ TERM ................................. TRANSLATION

Old world charm ................................. No bath
Tropical ............................................. Rainy
Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied
Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby
Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes

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Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble, obedient cruising servants, who are doomed to cruise this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, eating ourselves silly and walking around muggy Caribbean islands in drip-dry underwear.
We beseech You, our Lord, to give us non-stop flights, to see that our planes are not hijacked, our luggage is not lost, our overweight baggage goes unnoticed, and that there is no hurricane anywhere on the planet during our chosen cruise week.

Protect us from zealous Immigrations Officers who swear our "certified copies of our birth certificates" are forged; from suspicious Customs Inspectors who insist on seeing the $1,000 worth of T-shirts we bought in Nassau; from unscrupulous over-charging Jamaican taxi cab drivers, from avaricious porters who would search our bags and discard all the beer and soda therein, and from Guest Relations Clerks whose knowledge of the English language stops at "This ship is full. Don't even THINK of asking for an upgrade."

Give us this day Divine guidance in the selection of our cruise ships, that we may find two level showrooms, wide promenade decks, alternative dining options, a pizzeria, bartenders who know how to mix Margueritas, our staterooms made up with the twin beds converted to a king, a cabin steward who understands what lots of ice means, and that we actually paid less than the folks in the cabin next door.

We pray that our waiter and busboy speak our language, our iced tea glasses are kept filled at all times, and that there are no emergency shore-to-ship phone calls from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our cruise or wash dishes in the galley to pay the balance on our shipboard account.

Lead us, Dear Lord, to 2-for-1 specials on deluxe cruise ships where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, the wine, soda pop and port charges, taxes and government fees all included in the price, and that Richard Simmons was on LAST week's cruise.

Give us the wisdom to tip correctly and forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance or overtipping out of fear. Make the bartenders put a full shot of rum in our Miami Vice and learn to love us for who we are and not for what we can contribute to their families back in Turkey.

Grant us the strength to attend the daily aerobics classes on deck, to work out frequently in the health spa, to use the stairs at all times, and to order only one or two main courses at dinner.

Permit us to book beauty appointments, massage sessions, thassalotherapy treatments, and to browse through the onboard shops and boutiques without sending our VISA cards into convulsions.

Allow us the will to attend all shore talks and the stamina to sit through another debarkation talk. Give us the strength to keep us from heckling the comedians and from making fun of the Cruise Director and the karaoke performers.

Help us become educated and wise cruisers, visiting the museums, the cathedrals, the forts, the palaces, the castles and the rain forests listed in the shore excursion booklets. If perchance we skip an historic monument to take a nap on a beautiful sandy beach, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.

Amen

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a large SUV when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Lincoln when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SUV. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

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Three mean nasty bikers pull into a roadside cafe where there's no one there except a single male customer and a waitress. They decide to have some fun with the customer, so they put on their most trucculent sneers and walk up to his table.

The first one dips his finger into the man's coffee, stirs it a bit and puts the finger in his mouth and pronounces "This is lousy coffee".

The next one picks up the man's soup bowl, sniffs it, spits into it and says, "This is lousy soup".

The last one picks up the man's hamburger, squeezes it to a pulp and announces "This is a lousy hamburger".

The man quietly gets up, politely pays his bill and walks out. The lead biker turns to the waitress and says "That guy ain't much of a man, is he?"

The waitress pauses and deadpans "He ain't much of a driver either ... he just backed over three motorcycles on his way out of here."

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