Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

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Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft motorboat to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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"One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down."

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

You know it's a no frills airline when the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it would probably be Memorial Day Weekend.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

I finally figured out what 'Delta' stands for: Don't Expect Legroom on This Airline.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? The survivors were marooned.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

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A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.

A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"


"Of course I am!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the heck did you think I was? A stunt driver or something?"

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This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding service:

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter

The Reply to the above:
Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Western Railways

And the Counter-Reply was:
Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!
Yours truly,
A Commuter

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As an inspector for Canada Customs, it was his duty to ask visitors whether they were bringing any firearms into the country.

One day an American car came through the line, and its driver reported that the occupants were on their way to Sault Ste. Marie, Ont., for a wedding.

After the usual questions about length of stay and so forth, the inspector asked if there were any guns in the car. "No, no," said the driver, "it isn't that kind of wedding."

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